We Americans generally do health and nutrition badly. One reason for this is that we are often systematically misled by the state at the behest of commercial interests. Ask a nutritionist you trust about the federal food pyramid. Another reason consists of all the usual critical thinking problems humans have combined with the influence of ignorant influencers and grifters singing siren songs in the sea of social media.
One thing we sort of get right is that we need protein, yet we tend to get the protein thing wrong. As a runner, one of the mistakes I made in the past was thinking that stuff made for athletes, like protein bars, would be healthy choices. But the sports beverages turned out to be mostly sugar water and the protein bars are expensive candy—albeit with some protein. Since I wanted to eat less badly and not spend as much, I started making my own protein bars last year. They didn’t kill me or give me explosive diarrhea, so that has been great.
I’d like to say that this recipe was found in the text of the Odyssey and fueled Odysseus through his various deceits and crimes. But the truth is that Odysseus was fueled by Dunkin Donuts. I will avoid the usual recipe nightmare of providing an irrelevant narrative about how the recipe interacts in some unexplained manner with my life and daily activities. I just eat one of these bars after a run.
You’ll need a food processor or a strong mixing hand to make them, and cooking is only required for the quinoa. Or you could just eat it raw and risk stomach pain and gas. Do what you do and you get what you get.
Ingredients
- 1 cup raw quinoa
- 2 cups water (to cook the quinoa)
- 3 cups oats
- 3 cups chocolate chips (dark chocolate recommended)
- 3 cups peanut butter (crunchy, smooth if you are a heretic)
- 18 pitted Medjool dates (unpitted if you are a psychopath)
- 1 cup chopped walnuts (or any other nut)
- Salt (optional)
- Honey (optional)
Recipe
Step 1: Cook the Quinoa. Follow the directions on the container; which usually say to boil 1 cup of quinoa in 2 cups of water and then simmer for 15-20 minutes. I put a little salt in the water.
Step 2: Process. Combine the following into your food processor and process using the slicing shredding blade; I usually use the pulse function to let the motor cool a bit. I divide the processing into three to avoiding killing the processor’s motor. A Vitamix might also work or might cause a kitchen fire. Process until everything is well mixed.
- 1 cup cooked quinoa
- 1 cup oats
- 1 cup chocolate chips (dark chocolate recommended)
- 1 cup peanut butter (crunchy, smooth if you are a heretic)
- 6 pitted Medjool dates (unpitted if you are a psychopath)
- 1/3 cup chopped walnuts (or any other nut)
- 1 tsp Salt (optional)
- ¼ cup Honey (optional)
Step 3: Pan Time: Line a pan with parchment paper and dump the processed stuff into it. Push it together and down, ideally filling 1/3 of the pan.
Step 4: Repeat. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until all the stuff has been processed. You can use a rolling pin to flatten the top.
Step 5: Cool, cut and store. Chill the bars-to-be in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. Cut them into bars, squares, stars or whatever you want. Put bars into an airtight container and store them in the fridge. Eat after running or whenever. You’re an adult; life choices are up to you.