In my previous essays I examined the idea that love is mechanical and its ethical implications. In this essay, I will focus on the eternal truth that love hurts.
While there are exceptions, the end of a romantic relationship involves pain. As noted in my l essay on voles and love, Young found that the loss of a partner depresses a prairie vole. This was tested by dropping voles into beakers of water to determine how much they would struggle. Prairie voles who had just lost a partner struggled less that those who were not bereft. The depressed voles differed chemically from the non-depressed voles. When a depressed vole was “treated” for this depression, the vole struggled as strongly as the non-bereft vole.
Human beings also suffer from the hurt of love. For example, a human who has ended a relationship often falls into a vole-like depression and struggles less against the tests of life (though dropping humans into beakers to test this would presumably be unethical).
While some might derive pleasure from stewing in a state of post-love depression, this feeling is something most would want to end. The usual treatment, other than self-medication, is time: people usually tend to recover and seek out a new opportunity for love. And depression.
Given that voles can be treated for this depression, humans could also be treated as well. After all, if love is essentially a chemical romance grounded in strict materialism, then tweaking the brain just so would fix that depression. Interestingly enough, the philosopher Spinoza offered an account of love (and emotions in general) that match up with the mechanistic model being examined.
As Spinoza saw it, people are slaves to their affections and chained by who and what they love. This is an unwise approach to life because, as the voles in the experiment found, the object of one’s love can die (or leave). This view of Spinoza matches this as voles that bond with a partner become depressed when that partner is lost. In contrast, voles that do not form such bonds do not suffer this depression.
While Spinoza was a pantheist, his view of human beings is similar to that of the mechanist: he regarded humans as within the laws of nature and was a determinist. He believed that all that occurs does so from necessity—there is no chance or choice. This view guided him to the notion that human behavior and motivations can be examined as one might examine “lines, planes or bodies.” He held that emotions follow the same necessity as all other things, thus making the effects of the emotions predictable. In short, Spinoza engaged in what can be regarded as a scientific examination of the emotions—although he did so without the technology available today and from a more metaphysical standpoint. However, the core idea that the emotions can be analyzed in terms of definitive laws is the same idea that is being followed currently in regards to the mechanics of emotion.
Getting back to the matter of the negative impact of lost love, Spinoza offered his own solution. As he saw it, all emotions are responses to what is in the past, present or future. For example, a person might feel regret because she believes she could have done something different in the past. As another example, a person might worry because he thinks that what he is doing now might not bear fruit in the future. These negative feelings rest, as Spinoza sees it, on the false belief that the past and present could be different and that the future is not set. Once a person realizes that all that happens occurs of necessity (that is, nothing could have been any different and the future cannot be anything other than what it will be), then that person will suffer less from the emotions. Thus, for Spinoza, freedom from the enslaving chains of love would be the recognition and acceptance that what occurs is determined.
Putting this in the mechanistic terms of modern neuroscience, a Spinoza-like approach would be to realize that love is purely mechanical and that the pain and depression that comes from the loss of love are also purely mechanical. That is, the terrible, empty darkness that seems to devour the soul at the end of love is merely chemical and electrical events in the brain. Once a person recognizes and accepts this, if Spinoza is right, the pain should be reduced. With modern technology it is possible to do even more: whereas Spinoza could merely provide advice, modern science can eventually provide us with the means to simply adjust the brain and set things right—just as one would fix a malfunctioning car or PC.
One problem is, of course, that if everything is necessary and determined, then Spinoza’s advice makes no sense: what is, must be and cannot be otherwise. To use an analogy, it would be like shouting advice at someone watching a cut scene in a video game. This is pointless, since the person cannot do anything to change what is occurring. For Spinoza, while we might think life is a like a game, it is like that cut scene: we are spectators and not players. So, if one is determined to wallow like a sad beast in the mud of depression, that is how it will be.
In terms of the mechanistic mind, advice would seem equally absurd because to say what a person should do implies that a person has a choice. However, the mechanistic mind presumably just ticks away doing what it does, creating the illusion of choice. So, one brain might tick away and end up being treated while another brain might tick away in the chemical state of depression. They both eventually die and it matters not which is which. This is another reason why I choose free will; if I am right, then maybe I can do something about my life. If I am wrong, I am determined to be wrong and hence can neither be blamed nor choose to be any different.

This is my opinion only. As the traditionalist I claim to be, I do not condone same-sex marriages. What people do is their business. Same-sex “marriage”, IMHO, nullifies the sanctity of marriage, a priori. We ought not employ Contextual Reality to suit social change. That employment is wrong, IMHO. Corruption loves collaborators…
All well said, Professor. To me, ‘love’ in the human realm, is but a euphemism. I agree with Schopenhauer about love being possible only between a parent and his/her child. I add to that, the love between siblings. But the attraction between a man and a woman is just a very, very powerful infatuation. The man mentioned above explained all this in his essays on the metaphysics of love.
‘Love’, being a pleasure, is therefore chimerical: it is either never attained, or if it is, it only lasts for a short while, or either one becomes bored with it and soon looking at someone or something else as the object of his desire. Of course, the loss of one’s love is absolutely devastating: I saw this first hand when my mother died in the prime of her life at the age of 36, my family broke apart, and my poor father ended up old and alone, never to find happiness ever again. And to how many has this happened?
For myself, I know very little about the so-called ‘romantic love’. I have of course experienced it, very powerfully, but I follow old Arthur’s advice: ‘to mourn for a lost pleasure, it is unnecessary. No, ridiculous’.
Even so, it’s easier to say this, than to do it, and even he himself lamented his loss of ‘romantic’ relationships, specifically a woman he met in Italy, whom he was afraid would be taken away from him by Byron: the latter passed them galloping on his horse and the woman became quite oblivious to Schopenhauer, etc.
But, these things, minus the rival who rides a wild horse, are so common, even I have experienced this. It’s to me unexplainable how I still think of a woman I met years ago in a adult class, I was already a man in my 30’s, she was in her mid 20’s I believe, who first rejected me on my approach after I exclaimed ‘wow!’ when she passed me. She seemed to be insulted but on a separate occasion I said that my intention was never, ever to insult her. From then on, things changed; during the classes, I could not help looking at her, even while the rest of the class saw this. We would just lock eyes, oblivious to our environment.
Long story short, it was clear that she started to give me chances, that I was not taking: after several attempts, she intentionally waited for me to be alone after the class in the waiting room, and she entered the room so decisively and sat beside me, it was clear as day that she was waiting for me to do something about it.
I did not, even though she was driving me crazy: she was a natural beauty, blonde, quiet and reserved, with no makeup or any artificial enhancements (all of which I deem look bad on women, the more so as they lack in natural beauty). I just exited the room, didn’t even look back at her. This was no doubt rude and she certainly did not deserve such a treatment after she gave me all these obvious chances; never the less, I preferred to appear rude and strong rather than weak and polite: women don’t like that type of man.
Of course, the fine line between mild rudeness and being idiotic and ignorant, is very fine, and it’s very easy to cross over into the latters.
I was afraid, not of her, but how things would turn out: I knew that I could never be with this woman, for many reasons except sexual ones (never had problems in that area and always been crazy about beautiful women since an early age. But what healthy man hasn’t?). I guess she found me attractive because she realized I wasn’t a bad person and I had no bad intentions, by the way I spoke about things in class, I guess. Also the fact that I was wiry and well built as I was still training in martial arts, nothing excessive, but never the less my interest in them was still very strong.
Little I knew that I was already following Schopenhauer’s excellent advice: ‘never pursue a pleasure at the cost of possible pain, for the pleasures are illusory and short lived, while pain is real, and long lasting’.
I can pretty much see how it would have unfolded: her being a native English speaker, me, an immigrant with an accent. I can see how that would have looked when meeting her parents, etc etc.
Moreover: women are indeed fickle and unpredictable, because they always have more sexual choices than men have, and it has always been so. They get bored easily. They wanted to be swept off their feet. They self entitle themselves, because they know you need them more than they need you, for they can always find another man, whereas for you always more work and chance is involved. Even for millionaires and billionaires it is so.
I mean, look at the letter Elon Musk wrote to Amber Heard; I have read it by chance as I am never interested in gossip and celebrity news trash, but it was incredible to witness how sycophantic, weak and ‘wuss like’ Musk was. Not even I, an ex homeless bum, have ever been that weak with a pretty woman. He was basically ‘kissing her ass’, saying ridiculous things such as ‘even if you want to have nothing to do with me, I’ll always be there for you’ (I guess that meant, if you need money, let me know…’.
Can we agree that this ‘love’ thing between men and women is utterly stupid and crazy, and makes no sense?
Truly, I think the love between voles is actually beautiful and deserves to be meditated on. And yes, even the one between parents, for this love can only really flourish after the infatuation has worn off, which always does.
Yes, love hurts, Professor. And I still think occasionally of that woman, even though I don’t want to!
But I take heart, for I know that even beautiful women don’t look so good past the age of 40 or so. If I look at some actresses I remember from many years ago, I am actually revolted by them now, they get fat and ugly.
We’ll never get fat, that’s for sure! 🙂
Nothing I said about women is misogyny, for one cannot be attracted to something that is despised, and this was true of Schopenhauer too, he has been always powerfully attracted to beautiful women, and he never hated women for being ugly or pretty or for being women. But inevitably, ones draws conclusions from his observance of the world around him and from personal experiences too. To make an example, he met a German woman in Berlin; the two had a relationship, and Schopenhauer later asked her to move with him in Frankfurt, which she refused to do. He continued to write to her but was being ignored so he stopped writing.
Many years later, and during the last decade of his life, when he became famous, especially in Germany, and universities were offering courses on his philosophy, and he was getting visitors regularly, the same woman started to correspond with him again and sent him a pair of handmade slippers.
This proved to him that women are attracted to status. This might seem a ridiculous conclusion, but I don’t think it is, and I don’t think he was at all ‘oafish’ as some mediocre scholars defined him.
Would Melania Trump have married Trump if he had been a janitor instead of a millionaire or whatever he is? I don’t think so. Strange how so many women in fact end up with bad men, but let’s not go there….
Another interesting thing I have observed: women don’t wear make up etc to get a particular man attracted, but to compete between themselves. This is why you see a man who seems completely Ok in looks, status (he’s no millionaire but he pays his bills) and alone, and women being rather indifferent to him, but the same women go crazy about a man who is already in a relationship, and the more he has, the more that woman will be attracted to him.
But she isn’t really doing it for the man, but because she wants to win this strange game.
Fickleness galore, Professor!
An example of what I mentioned above, is demonstrated by cults. How is it even possible that such a rotten individual has not one ‘partner’, but many? Why do we constantly hear some woman or other, saying about a bad man ‘but I love him?’.
Voles aren’t messed up, Professor, we are. Not just women, I mean all of us. I say, to observe voles mourning the loss of their loves, is beautiful and sad at the same time, because an helpless innocence is witnessed.
But in the human realm, only nonsense reigns supreme.
Yes. Love does hurt. At least one rock band sang about that, specifically. Over many years of pop music, the theme has been recurrent. Most folks don’t know what a vole is, much less care. I get your point, Professor. Hatred hurts, too—in a different way.