My long-term, long-distance relationship came to an amicable end in May of 2024, thus briefly tossing me back into the world of dating before I gave up. This is the sequel to a similar ending with a different person back in 2016, allowing me to revisit what I wrote back then.
Since starting and maintaining a relationship is a lot of work (if not, you are either lucky or doing it wrong), I think it is important to consider whether relationships are worth it. One obvious consideration is the fact that most romantic relationships end well before death. Even marriage, which is supposed to be the most solid of relationships, tends to end in divorce. I am divorced; my smart and ambitious wife took an excellent academic job in California and then divorced me in 2004 when she could no longer do the long-distance thing. I definitely have a type.
While there are many ways to look at the ending of a relationship, there are two main approaches. One is to consider the relationship a failure. This can be seen as trying to write a book and not finish: all that work poured into it, yet it remains incomplete. Another obvious analogy is with running a marathon and not finishing. While great effort was expended, it ended in failure.
Another approach is to consider the ending more positively: the relationship ended but was completed. Going back to the analogies, it is like completing that book you are writing or finishing that marathon. True, it has ended, but it is supposed to end.
When my previous relationship ended in 2016, I initially looked at it as a failure: all that effort invested and it ended because, despite two years of trying, we could not get academic jobs in the same geographical area. However, I tried to look at it in a more positive light: although I would have preferred that it did not end, it was a very positive relationship, rich with wonderful experiences and helped me to become better as a human being. There still, of course, remains the question of whether it is worth being in another relationship. As a spoiler, I did meet another wonderful person, a smart ambitious woman who moved away and decided that the long-distance relationship was too much. I guess that is a double spoiler.
One way to address this is in the context of biology and evolution. Humans are animals that need food, water and air to survive. As such, there is no real question about whether food, water and air are worth it, one is simply driven to possess them. Likewise, humans are driven by their biology to reproduce, and natural selection seems to have selected genes that mold brains to engage in relationships. As such, there is no real question of whether they are worth it, humans have relationships. This answer is, of course, rather unsatisfying since a person can, it would seem, make the choice to be in a relationship or not. There is also the question of whether relationships are worth it. This is a question of value and science is not the realm where such answers lie. Value questions belong to such areas as moral philosophy and aesthetics. So, on to value.
The question of whether relationships are worth it or not is like asking whether technology is worth it: the question is too broad. While some might endeavor to give sweeping answers to these broad questions, such an approach would be problematic and unsatisfying. Just as it makes sense to be more specific about technology (such as asking if ChatGPT is worth the cost), it makes more sense to consider whether a specific relationship is worth it. That is, there seems to be no general answer to the question of whether relationships are worth it or not, it is a question of whether a specific relationship would be worth it.
It could be countered that there is, in fact, a legitimate general question. A person might see any likely relationship to not be worth it. For example, I know many professionals who have devoted their lives to their careers and have no interest in relationships. They say they do not consider romantic involvement to have much, if any value. A person might also regard a relationship as a necessary part of their well-being. While this might be due to social conditioning or biology, there are certainly people who consider almost any relationship worth it.
These counters are reasonable, but it can be argued that the general question is best answered by considering specific relationships. If no specific possible (or likely) relationship for a person would be worth it, then relationships in general would not be worth it. So, if a person honestly considered all the relationships she might have and rejected all of them because their value is not sufficient, then relationships would not be worth it to her. As noted above, some people take this view.
If at least some possible (or likely) relationships would be worth it to a person, then relationships would thus be worth it. This leads to an obvious point: the worth of a relationship depends on that specific relationship, so it comes down to weighing the negative and positive aspects. If there is a sufficient surplus of positive over the negative, then the relationship would be worth it.
As should be expected, there are many serious epistemic problems here. How does a person know what would be positive or negative? How does a person know that a relationship with a specific person would be more positive or more negative? How does a person know what they should do to make the relationship more positive than negative? How does a person know how much the positive needs to outweigh the negative to make the relationship worth it? And, of course, many more concerns. Given the challenge of answering these questions, it is no wonder that so many relationships fail. There is also the fact that each person has a different answer to many of these questions, so getting answers from others will tend to be of little real value and could lead to problems. Back in 2016, I had given up on relationships until I was inspired to try again. As I write this, I am once again in a state of doubt.
I decidedly believe it’s not worth it. I believe in what Schopenhauer said:
‘To be alone is not the natural state of man, for when we are born, we are surrounded by parents and siblings. Yet, it is the lesser of two evils…. ‘
‘Marriage (or a serious relationship, which is more or less the same) means only two things: to halve your freedom, and double your liabilities’.
I am sure you know about his ‘essay’ on women. Now believe me, I don’t hate women because they are women. I have always been crazy about beautiful and cute women, as he was, and as you are. What man isn’t attracted to women? But it’s just not worth it, and most of all the infatuation I have ever felt, is in the end was just dumb and stupid.
For me, the sexual problem is easily solved, in the same way as having a meal or emptying my bowels. Once I solve it, I get on with the rest of my day without needing any women at all. It only takes a few minutes, and every time I ‘solve’ the ‘problem’, I wonder why the world around me goes through all the insane work needed to ‘be’ with a ‘partner’, when the solutions are so simple. The whole ‘cultural’, dumb stigma thing about masturbation is so stupid. It’s as if everyone were saying, I am hungry, I have some food in the fridge, I’ll have a couple of sandwiches, but instead of eating those, he hurries off to find a remunerative job on the other side of the world, so that expensive meals can be had in fancy restaurants. It seems just so stupid to me. There’s this idea about how if a man doesn’t ‘have a woman in his life’ is some kind of dumb loser. Of course, I am not speaking about you, I know you are a man of sense, and plenty of it. I am speaking about stupid people saying that masturbation is for losers, this kind of thing.
”…I don’t need sex: when I feel the itch, I scratch it with the first thing handy.”. – Antisthenes
As for the ‘non-sexual’ problem, i.e. the lack of company, it is non-existent. I don’t need a woman to exist or complete me.
I can’t speak for all, of course. Moreover, my ‘problem’ isn’t really with women, or at least, it hasn’t been until the last decade or so, until the feminism hysteria seemed to took on a new level. In short, I don’t like ‘modern’ women at all. I don’t hate them, I just dislike their arrogance, self-entitlement, fickleness, their constant blaming others, their bitching and whining, their trashy tattoos, their fake lips (previously we only had fake tits, which was bad enough, now they add more and more plastic) and all the rest of their nonsense….
All the things that Schopenhauer mentioned about them. By the way, people blame him for his ‘shameful’ essay, mostly the dumb ‘white knights’, but let’s not forget that many other thinkers and writers wrote similar things about women: Rousseau, Byron, Goethe, Flaubert, the list goes on and on.
All this nonsense about how women have always been these poor wonderful butterflies that the evil kingdom of men have taken advantage of, is just dumb. Quite the contrary, women have always had the most power over men, sexual, I mean. And there really would be nothing wrong with that at all, if it were not for the fact that men are constantly blamed for every problem women seem to have.
I guess my ‘problem’ is that in general, I consider dealing with people, a real pain. Always have. I have never been ‘good’ with people.That’s why I like Schopenhauer and philosophers so much, most of them said that people in general are bad. I think they were right. For me, Schopenhauer was spot on: best to avoid people in general, women included. Many philosophers, monks, artists, painters, composers, etc, have done it. I am living proof it can be done.
If I can give any advice: please, stay away from ‘long distance’ relationships. As Schopenhauer explained, the distance very severely weakens the feelings for people, because the other person becomes a mere concept, a blurry image. It’s a waste of time, I tried that stuff too. Once I even had a woman coming to my country to visit me. She liked me a lot but I felt nothing for her, and for good reasons: she was chubbier than she showed in the pictures, and I have heard many similar stories.
I have had several opportunities to have a woman in my life. I won’t say millions of them, but several, and I am certainly not the man who would accept any woman, far from it. I am not ugly and I am in good shape because of my previous experience with martial arts. I did not take the steps needed to be with any of them, and all in all, I’ll never regret it. I am quite sure they would only have made my life more difficult.
I remember in particular a woman that I was really crazy about. She was very, very beautiful. She gave me several chances, but I never took them. I am glad I didn’t. Even if we had ended up together, I would not have been able to go to sleep, worrying about losing her to another man or this sort of thing. Who needs this stuff.
As the Cynic philosophers said: ‘the man who was never wealthy, doesn’t worry about losing wealth, unlike the rich man.’.
And quoting Epictetus: ‘the philosopher should not move a finger unless necessary’. To me relationships with women are unnecessary at best. But I only speak for myself. I hope you’ll find a wonderful woman to share the rest of your days with. I really do. But for me, it would be easier to believe that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow waiting for me.
And allow me to say something about the woman who divorced you: it just shows how little sense women make (eh…. ever heard that one?). I have seen your pictures on facebook a while ago, just to find out about you as a philosopher, when I first bought your ebooks on Amazon. You seemed a fine looking man. You practiced physical exertion through martial arts and sports, as well of course as intellectual exertion. I’d assume, you are a honest, reliable man who has some kind of personal honour, who keeps to his word and doesn’t con people.
Why would a woman divorce someone like you? Says more about her than you. Feel free to not publish this part or the entire message if you find this inappropriate, and if you do, you have my apologies. But who would divorce a philosopher? Only someone who’s not too right in their mind…..
Well, you are rid of her. You should be glad. Had it been me, I’d have said: ‘Sure, there’s the door. Go. And please don’t come back.’.
”In the end, each one of us must stand alone.”. -Schopenhauer
I believe women should be entirely ignored. More than ever they seem to constantly think that they are the prize, that they are saving our lives, but in my case, they could not be more wrong. When I go out, if I see a woman I am attracted to, I just look the other way, whereas in the past I ‘liked’ her, desired her, wanted to speak to her, wanted to marry her, blah blah.
Now I could not care less. I think of her as just another fallible and flawed human being, with probably many more flaws than I have myself. I think there’s power in that, and I think the men who are sorry (or even worse, angry) for being rejected by a woman, as weaklings. I honestly hope that you’ll never speak again to the woman who divorced you, which reminds me of the story of Diogenes of Sinope after he was told that his slave left him. His friends said, oh wow, do you want to look for him? Diogenes just said: ‘it would be a shame for him being able to do without me, and me not being able to do without him.’.
Not that I am saying that women and people are slaves. Of course. But the story holds good for anyone: it is incredibly irrational to long for someone who doesn’t want me. Unfortunately, my father made that mistake, he suggested that I leave, several times. I literally disappeared. We kept in touch and he tried to get me back, but it was too late.
It is an incredibly irrational action to reject a person whom you can rely on, whom you can trust and who would not betray you. Yet this is what is done on a constant basis. Women have more choice: there will always be the fool who will receive them with open arms in their home. That is why they dispense with one so easily, as if they were throwing out an old pair of shoes. Sorry for being blunt, but that’s what I believe.
I can go further: look at what they do….marrying serial killers in jail, they do the craziest things. Sure, there’s plenty of bad men, scum, idiots, revolting men. Oh yes. I am not at all defending men, trust me. But when it comes to not making any sense, you can’t beat women. They’ll baffle you over and over.