Today, I must confess that some of my beliefs have been conclusively proven to be false.
First, I saw on the news this morning that Donald Trump’s team of crack investigators finally turned up Obama’s real birth certificate. It turns out he was born in Kenya and that his real name isn’t even “Obama” but “Osama.” I am sorry to doubt you, Mr. Trump. I should have known that a man of such class could not be wrong.
Second, I learned today that same-sex marriage would destroy children. It turns out that the pediatricians misplaced a decimal point when doing their calculations. Dr. Alex Zippydeu had the following to say: “We were totally wrong. Same-sex couples would make their kids totally gay-just like straight parents make their kids totally straight. Plus, allowing same-sex marriage would cause the sun to go nova. Obviously, that would be bad for the the children. Fortunately we caught this mistake in time and have come out against same-sex marriage.” Because of this new science, I have to repudiate my book For Better or Worse Reasoning and I will be writing Same Sex Marriage Will Kill Us All!
Third, I walked in on a secret meeting of university faculty. They were worshiping a statue of Karl Marx. Turns out that those
who warned us that all academics are at least pink (if not red) were dead on. I had assumed that since faculty liked getting paid and were always buying Apple stuff that they liked capitalism. But I turned out to be totally wrong, comrades.
Fourth, it turns out that we do not need taxes. There is a town, Real Town, in real America whose citizens pay no taxes and accept no money from the state. The mayor of the town, Mayor McCheese, had this to say: “Of course we don’t do that tax thing. Here in Real Town the roads pave themselves, fires put themselves out, there is no crime and everyone is born with a college degree. If we paid taxes, it would break the magic spell that makes all this possible.”
Finally, I noticed that the earth is flat and the sun rotates around it! After all, I was running on flat ground this morning and the sun clearly rose.