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Random Political Silliness

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A pair of roper-style cowboy boots. Notice the...
Best not to ask why the boots are in the shower...

 

Last week some of my friends and I were talking politics before our weekly Pathfinder game. While some serious points were raised, much of it was the usually joking that befits pre-game banter. Some examples (accuracy not guaranteed):

Magic Underwear

Dave: “You know the Republicans are in rough shape when the most rational guy at the table is wearing magic underwear.”

Trent: “What does the magic do?”

Mike: “I assume that it provides some defense against craziness.”

 

Cowboy Boots

Dave:”….cowboy boots.”

Mike: “What was that about cowboy boots? Well, you know that there are only two legitimate reasons for a man to wear cowboy boots.”

Ron: “What are they?”

Mike: “The first is that he works in gay porn.”

Dave: “What’s the second?”

Mike: “That he is an actual cowboy. So, who was wearing them?”

Dave: “Herman Cain.”

Mike: “Did he ride in on a horse?”

Dave: “No.”

Mike: “Interesting.”

 

999 Plan

Dave: “Have you heard of Cain’s 999 plan?”

Mike: “Yeah, he got it from Sim City. But here is the interesting thing. If you flip his plan upside down, you get 666.”

Dave: “The plan of the beast!”

Mike: “Exactly. And who is the opposite of Herman Cain?”

Trent: “Obama?”

Mike: “Sure, why not. You know what that means?”

Trent: “Obama is the beast?”

Mike: “No, Rosie O’Donnell is. Do the math.”

 

 

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Sneakers of Summer

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I Brooke Fishwick created this work entirely b...
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When I was a kid, the start of the school year was always marked by getting a new pair of sneakers for school. The new pair would replace last year’s worn out sneakers. I vividly remember the soles of one pair flapping away and how the fresh cut grass would get through the holes and end up staining my socks.

Now that I am a professor, I can afford more than one pair of sneakers per year. In fact, I go through about four pairs of running shoes a year. However, I still remember those sneakers of summer.

This year I decided to honor those fallen sneakers by wearing a nice pair of sneakers while teaching this summer. While I do buy the dress shoes that are secretly running shoes on the inside, the sneakers felt much more comfortable. I suppose it is the sneaker magic.

I’m wearing them now as I type this in my office (I often write in advance). However, the fall semester teaching starts Monday and this marks the spiritual end of summer for me. So, the sneakers of summer are being retired from my teaching wardrobe and are back in the casual clothing category. I’ll miss them…at least until next summer.

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Shirts & Skins

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Although I can only “ugly jog” for 200-600 yards at a time, I am mobile enough to volunteer at road/cross country races and did so today. While it was a bit hard working rather than cross the finish line, it was good to see everyone. When I run, I almost never wear a shirt, but when I was at the race I was wearing one. This led to the following conversation:

Friend: “Hey, how are you doing? How’s the knee?”

Me: “Okay. I can ugly jog now.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Observe.” I commence ugly jogging.

Friend: “For the love of God stop! It hurts my soul!”

Me: “See?”

Friend: “Yes…I’ll take that memory to the grave. Hey, you’re wearing a shirt. You never wear shirts at races. Not even when it is cold.”

Me: “Well, I do wear shirts sometimes, like in January. But it never really gets cold here. This is Florida, you know. But, I’m wearing a shirt because walking around without a shirt on is creepy. Oddly enough, running with one off is fine. Standing around after a race without a shirt is fine. But just walking around without a shirt…creepy. And driving without a shirt, that is creepy as hell. I mean, where is a dude going not wearing a shirt? Nowhere good, I can tell you.”

Friend: “Are sure about all that?”

Me: “Yeah. Watch this.” I take off my shirt and start walking.

Friend: “Damn, that is creepy.”

Me: “Now, watch this. I’m going jog a bit. Don’t look at my legs, just the upper body.”

Friend: “Damn, you are one sexy beast!”

Me: “Now you’re creeping me out, dude.”

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Mammoth Wear

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A couple weeks ago I was at a wedding reception for Jack, one of my many running friends. I ran into another running friend, Jeff, and we started talking about running wear.

Jeff: “I paid all this money for Nike gear, but that stuff doesn’t wick away the sweat as advertised. I just sweat and get soaked.”

Me: “You should switch to wool shorts and shirts. That stuff wicks like mad.”

Jeff: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, it is like magic. The only thing better would be if we could make mammoth wool.”

Jeff: “You know, they are trying to get the dna of mammoths and bring them back.”

Me: “That would be awesome. We could make a line of running wear out of their fur. Mammoth Wear. We could use the tusk as the logo. It looks like Nike’s swishy swoosh, but would be different enough to avoid a lawsuit.”

Jeff: “We’d need someone to shear the mammoths and a place to keep them.”

Me: “Well, when the Big Three automakers tank, their former workers can work for us, shearing mammoths. They can go from working on one extinct thing to another.”

Jeff: “Where can we keep the mammoths?”

Me: “New Jersey. Maybe Detroit, too. Problems solved. Now we just need to get some mammoths.”

Jeff: “But won’t mammoth fur be a bit scratchy?”

Me: “Hmm, we’d need a finer fur to make the wool for the short liners.”

Jeff: “We could cross the mammoths with Shetland ponies and get Shetland Mammoths. Little ones with fine fur. That would be much softer. We could get people who made the compact cars to shear them.”

Me: “That would work. We just need a company saying. Like ‘just do it, bitches.'”

Florence: “How about ‘Do you mammoth?'”

Me: “Pure genius.”

Jeff: “We need some spin off products.”

Me: “Well, we could make nasal passage openers using the Shetland Mammoth tusks. You know, like those Breath Right strips-only you jam a tusk in your nose.”

Jeff: “Plus we could sell mammoth meat.”

Me: “Excellent. We could also make a powdered mammoth meat sports drink. Mammothade. That would sell well. We can get Michael Phelps to sell it. Maybe Kanye West, too. He’ll pimp out for any product, right?”

Kanye: “If the money is right.”

Me: “It will be totally right. We’ll even make a line of Mammoth Shades. You can rap about them.”

Kanye: “George Bush still doesn’t care about black people.”

Me: “I know. But he’ll be gone soon. Perhaps we can use him in our commercials. He could put on some Mammoth Wear and we could have mammoths trample him.”

Kanye: “I’m down with that.”

Me: “Nice.”

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