One little known fact is that I used to write applications for Mac computers. I decided to dust off those old skills and create an iPhone app. But, I needed to do something cool and original. I also wanted to do something that would punish my ancient enemy-the squirrel.
I learned from a colleague in engineering that the signal sent out by the iPhone can be amplified and modified. After consulting with a friend in biomedical and another friend who is a vet, I determined that the squirrel brain can be electronically altered by these signals.
I cranked out the necessary code and had a rough app running within a matter of days. The first test was pretty cool: I pointed the iPhone at a squirrel and it went “squeeeee” and then vaporized (“kapooof!”). Apparentlty, the power was just a bit too high.
A few modifications, and I tried again. This time I found I could steer a squirrel around like a remote control car. Unfortunately, other signals do interfere. For example, when a neighbor came out to use his cell phone, the squirrel started doing some M.C. Hammer dance moves for about fifteen minutes. I had to strike him with a hammer to reset his brain-hammer time indeed. Not sure why that happened, but it was different.
I had hoped to use my RC squirrels to clear debris from my roof (and as cat toys), but the mind control app seems to have a slight side effect: after thirty minutes of control the squirrels go into a blood frenzy of destruction and killing. Thirty minutes latter, they explode like furry hand grenades.
At first I was a bit horrified by this, but apparently word of it got out: the Pentagon just offered me a no bid contract on my app. Apparently they will be equipping special Squirrel Teams with jacked up iPhones and truckloads of squirrels. They will be sent to Afghanistan. So, suck on that, Taliban…those squirrels will f@#$ you up!
Yes, PETA was freaked out by this and sent representatives to “correct me.” How did I respond? In the only morally proper way: I drove squirrels into their pants and kept the control going for an hour. I’m now working on a PETA control app. Should be easy to do-apparently PETA brains are very much like squirrel brains.