Until Obama is finally exposed as a Kenyan-atheist-Muslim-socialist, he will be the Democrats 2012 candidate. Heck, even after that he will still be the candidate. We are, after all, talking about the Democrats. As far as the Republicans go, the field is still open. There has, however, been a cry from the masses for a true champion of the people. That someone is obviously me.
Before formally accepting the corporate cash that marks the start of a campaign, I’ll have to establish my basic qualifications for president:
- Native born American citizen? Check. My family has been documented to have been here since 1620.
- 35 or over? Yup, though I tell myself I don’t look a day over 44.
So, I am totally qualified. But, am I qualified to be a Republican candidate?
- White? Well, white enough looking.
- Tall? 6 feet 1 inch of presidential potential.
- Pee standing up? Yup, I’m male.
- Birth certificate? Yup.
- Guns? Many. Why are you asking?
- Birth certificate? Yup, I was definitely not born in Kenya. Just check my slow running times.
- Rich? In Warcraft, sure.
- Muslim? Nope, my love of bacon exceeds my love of Allah.
- Willing to impose the will of the corporate masters on the ignorant masters under the guise of freedom? Hey, you’re not supposed to mention that.
Clearly I am. I’d ask for your vote, but that would involve assuming that your vote actually matters.
So, RNC, give me a call and let’s get this party started.
