Since the Huffington Post has been an amazing success, I thought I would try emulating that model and simply repost stories from other sources. AOL, I’m waiting for my check.
Obama’s Birth Certificate Found
The matter has been settled at long last: Obama’s birth certificate has been found and is being delivered via Fed Ex to Fox News. In a shocking turn of events, it turns out that Obama was not born in Hawaii, but in New Jersey-specifically on the Jersey Shore. During an emergency press conference Obama apologized for the deception but defended himself by saying “seriously, who would admit they were born there?”
Qaddafi Steps Down
The rebel forces in Libya achieved victory by getting Qaddafi to step down. When asked how this was done, a rebel said “we had tried violence and that didn’t work. So we tried saying ‘pretty please’ and that worked like a charm. I thank my mother for this. She always said that you catch more dictators with honey than with RPGs.” Qaddafi is now pursuing a career as a Lionel Richie impersonator, but told reporters that he has two backup careers: porn star and fashion model.
Obama Admits He is a Muslim Socialist Atheist Communist
After the truth about his place of birth was revealed, Obama went into full confession mode. With tears in his eyes, he admitting to be a Muslim, a socialist, and atheist and a communist. He resigned as president shortly thereafter, saying that he was so relieved to no longer have to live the lie. “It was tearing me apart”, he said, as he walked away from the podium. As Joe Biden rushed the podium, yelling “this is a f@cking big deal, I’m President!”, he tripped, fell and broke his arm. When asked for a reaction, the Republican leadership said, “we knew it!”
New Gingrich Admits to Having a Harem
After investigative journalists from MSNBC broke the story, Newt Gingrich admitted that he actually had a harem of at least twenty “fine b@tches.” When asked why, he said “when a man works as hard as I do for his country, it is hard for him to tell exactly who he is banging. So, the harem was actually kind of an accident. I’d just spend the day doing awesome things for the country, then go to some motel, hotel or house and just bang whatever woman I thought might have maybe been my wife. But, I was thinking of the country the whole time.” Shortly after this story broke, the Republican party declared him the presidential candidate for 2012. Said a spokesperson “that man f@cking loves his country.”
Famed reality star Nicole “Snooki” Polizz has been revealed as a fraud by TMZ. The gossip site recently posted a scandalous video of Snooki’s dissertation defense. The site also posted text from the actual dissertation in which Snooki (who should now be called Dr. Polizz) defends her alternative to Stephen Hawkins’ theory of black holes. In one revealing page, Polizz presents several formulas she developed during the course of her research.
After being hounded mercilessly by reporters, Dr. Polizz’s bimbo facade finally cracked. With her tears streaking her mascara down onto her ample cleavage, she admitted that her mindless partying and crazy antics had been just an act. Just before driving away, she said “It has long been my secret shame that I am an intelligent and educated woman. I know that this will cause my fans to lose all respect for me, and rightfully so. I wish I could be that empty headed bimbo I portrayed, but I was cursed with a brilliant brain and a gift for physics. No matter how much I drank and partied, my brain still retained its intelligence. I considered a lobotomy, but just could not go through with it. After all, look what it did to Charlie Sheen. I am so sorry and will be checking myself in for treatment.”
In a related story, the Situation confessed that he, too, holds a doctorate (in philosophy) and has also been playing the fool. Unlike Dr. Polizz, Dr. Situation made no apologies: “Have you seen what they pay philosophy professors? Jack sh@t. As Socrates said, the underpaid life is not worth living.”