Archives for September 8, 2009

President Obama is delivering his speech to (some) students today. While the official text is quite innocuous, a fellow I know sent me a draft of the original. He said that he didn’t have the full text because the tin foil he wears on his head to block out the aliens interfered with his receiving the transmission from his secret spy in the Whitehouse (an intelligent plant from Atlantis). In any case, he are some excerpts from the speech Obama was supposed to give:

Prepared remarks of President Obama’s back to school event
Here are prepared remarks that President Obama is believed to have intended to deliver at noon ET Tuesday at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia.
Source: Obviously Not The White House

Assalamu Alilkum Wa Rahmatulah Wa Barakatuh, Comrade Students. How’s everybody doing today in our Glorious Workers’ Paradise?

I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across our new Socialist America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today, Comrades.

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. In fact, you are probably about as nervous as your grandma will be, once my health care reform has her up before a Death Panel.

I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning. As you know, my plan is to make America into a socialist state, that way you can just stay in bed all day and not work. That is what socialism is all about, you know.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia  (where I was born) for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning. After that, I studied all day about how to be a secret Muslim and a secret Socialist. I must have read the Koran 1,000 times and the Communist Manifesto at least as much. Ah, good old Karl Marx. You know, he was the least funny of the Marx brothers. Just a little socialist humor so you won’t cry as much when I get your Grandpa up before a Death Panel.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table, dreaming about forcing all Americans into same sex-marriages and nationalizing all industry. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, “This is no picnic for me either, buster.”

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility. Mainly, I’ve talked about how the state will take responsibility for your life and how it will take responsibility for business by nationalizing them all. After we kill your grandparents, of course….

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good socialist and help me nationalize anything that is still left after you graduate. Or maybe you are good at killing old people and could be on one of my Death Panels. Or maybe you excel at performing abortions. I’m planning on making them mandatory, so we’ll need plenty of doctors for that. Or maybe you rock at wedding planning. Since same sex marriage will also be mandatory, we’ll need lots of wedding planners.

But what we won’t need are business people. After all, the state will own and run everything, Comrades….
….Thank you, Allah bless you, and Allah bless America.