Mammoth Wear

A couple weeks ago I was at a wedding reception for Jack, one of my many running friends. I ran into another running friend, Jeff, and we started talking about running wear.

Jeff: “I paid all this money for Nike gear, but that stuff doesn’t wick away the sweat as advertised. I just sweat and get soaked.”

Me: “You should switch to wool shorts and shirts. That stuff wicks like mad.”

Jeff: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, it is like magic. The only thing better would be if we could make mammoth wool.”

Jeff: “You know, they are trying to get the dna of mammoths and bring them back.”

Me: “That would be awesome. We could make a line of running wear out of their fur. Mammoth Wear. We could use the tusk as the logo. It looks like Nike’s swishy swoosh, but would be different enough to avoid a lawsuit.”

Jeff: “We’d need someone to shear the mammoths and a place to keep them.”

Me: “Well, when the Big Three automakers tank, their former workers can work for us, shearing mammoths. They can go from working on one extinct thing to another.”

Jeff: “Where can we keep the mammoths?”

Me: “New Jersey. Maybe Detroit, too. Problems solved. Now we just need to get some mammoths.”

Jeff: “But won’t mammoth fur be a bit scratchy?”

Me: “Hmm, we’d need a finer fur to make the wool for the short liners.”

Jeff: “We could cross the mammoths with Shetland ponies and get Shetland Mammoths. Little ones with fine fur. That would be much softer. We could get people who made the compact cars to shear them.”

Me: “That would work. We just need a company saying. Like ‘just do it, bitches.'”

Florence: “How about ‘Do you mammoth?'”

Me: “Pure genius.”

Jeff: “We need some spin off products.”

Me: “Well, we could make nasal passage openers using the Shetland Mammoth tusks. You know, like those Breath Right strips-only you jam a tusk in your nose.”

Jeff: “Plus we could sell mammoth meat.”

Me: “Excellent. We could also make a powdered mammoth meat sports drink. Mammothade. That would sell well. We can get Michael Phelps to sell it. Maybe Kanye West, too. He’ll pimp out for any product, right?”

Kanye: “If the money is right.”

Me: “It will be totally right. We’ll even make a line of Mammoth Shades. You can rap about them.”

Kanye: “George Bush still doesn’t care about black people.”

Me: “I know. But he’ll be gone soon. Perhaps we can use him in our commercials. He could put on some Mammoth Wear and we could have mammoths trample him.”

Kanye: “I’m down with that.”

Me: “Nice.”