One of my New Year’s resolutions was to avoid ever discussing relationships again. That lasted about a day. That is one subject people just cannot avoid. From a recent phone conversation:
Her: “Happy New Year!”
Me: “Thanks. Happy New Year to you, too.”
Her: “Did you make any resolutions?”
Me: “Yeah, most involved running. One involved not talking about relationships. Please don’t make me break that resolution two days into the New Year.”
Her: “Whatever. I’m still single and this makes me sad. You must talk to me about that.”
Me: “No.”
Her: “Well, my theory is that I’m still single because men, being ignorant swine, are intimidated by intelligent, educated, powerful women. I know you agree with me, despite being swine.”
Me: “Well, ‘swine’ is plural. I could be a swine, but not swine. Also, that is a bit offensive. I’m too lean and run too fast to be a swine.”
Her: “You really need to focus on me.”
Me: “I’m not sure I can. Swine tend to focus on truffles and such. Are you a truffle?”
Her: “Anyway, my theory is that I’m intimidating to men.”
Me: “You mean swine.”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Perhaps calling us ‘swine’ has some small role in your being single.”
Her: “Yes, it is because they are swine that I am single.”
Me: “That would explain it.”
Her: “I don’t think I like your tone.”
Me: “What tone? Tell me more about you and how you feel.”
Her: “I’m sad about being single. I’m sad that men are swine.”
Me: “Well, maybe there is something you could change.”
Her: “Like what? Be stupid so men will like me?”
Me: “Well, some men are no doubt intimidated by intelligence and ambition, but much of it is the AAA factor.”
Her: “What do cars have to do with it?”
Me: “No, not cars. AAA is for ‘abusive, abrasive and antagonistic.’ You can be rather rough on people and you seem to create conflict at every opportunity.”
Her: “That is the usual thing you swine say. If a man acted like I do, he’d be seen as assertive and people would think it was just fine.”
Me: “That is a common misconception. But, think about it. If some guy acted that way people would think he was a jerk. Really.”
Her: “No, not at all. It is because I’m a woman and I refuse to pretend to be stupid.”
Me: “Being nice to people doesn’t mean the same thing as being stupid. You can still be nice and be intelligent, you know.”
Her: “You’re just saying that because I intimidate you.”
Me: “Not at all. I’m saying that because I think you are sabotaging your life.”
Her: “So, intelligent women don’t intimidate you?”
Me: “Um, no.”
Her: “You’re lying.”
Me: “Yeah, okay. I’m totally intimidated.”
Her: “And that is why you’re still single, too.”
Me: “Nah. I’m single for other reasons.”
Her: “Like what?”
Me: “Being a swine, no doubt.”
Her: “I’m glad you’ve accepted that.”
Me: “Yeah. Good luck with the dating.”
Her: “Thanks.”
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