The Bipartisan Appeal of Same Sex Marriage

I recently received a phone call from a rather conservative friend that went something like this:

Friend: “They’re doing it again!”

Me: “Who? Do you mean the squirrels? Did they piddle on your New York Times again?”

Friend: “No. You know…them.”

Me: ‘The French?”

Friend: “No! The other them!”

Me: “Oh, the homosexuals. What did they do this time?”

Friend: “Same sex marriage…it is legal in some states…”

Me: “Hmm, I thought that would make you happy.”

Friend: “What?! How in the holy name of God could that make me happy?”

Me: “Well, you are opposed to gay sex, right?”

Friend: “As all right-thinking Americans are…but what does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “You’re married right?”

Friend: “Yes, but…”

Me: “When was the last time you had sex?”

Friend: “Umm…”

Me: “See, gay marriage is the best way to put an end to gay sex.”

Friend: “Uh… you make a good point….”

Although I was mainly just trying to torment my friend, this conversation got me thinking about the whole same sex marriage thing. After some thought, I concluded that same sex marriage had bipartisan appeal-provided it was presented in the right way.

While its current supporters endorse it because of views of fairness, justice, and the desire to tweak the right-wingers, there are plenty of reasons for right-wingers to get on the same sex bandwagon.

Reduced Gay Sex

First, gay marriage would cut way down on gay sex. How so? Well consider the following two scenarios involving the hypothetical gay couple of George and Richard.

Scenario #1: Unmarried

George: “You look so hot. How about it…baby?”

Richard: “Oh, you naughty love weasel. Snuggle my brains out like a love rhino!”

Intense snuggling ensues.

Scenario #2: Married

George: “You look so hot. How about it…baby?”

Richard: “Did you take out the trash?”

George: “What?”

Richard: “Did you take the trash out like you said you would?”

George: “No, but…”

Richard: “Exactly. No butt for you, mister, until that trash is on the curb.”

George: “I’m sleeping on the couch.”

Richard: “Fine. You do that.”

George: “Fine. I will.”

Divorce planning ensues.

Economic Benefits

Second, as any married or divorced heterosexual will tell you, marriage is costly. It starts off with a costly wedding and then goes right into all sorts of other expenses. Further, married couples pay more in taxes. It is unfair that homosexuals are not carrying their economic weight in this area-they too should be shucking out $500 or more for flowers that will die in one day, paying more taxes and so on. Fair is fair-time for gay couples to start throwing their money away just like everyone else. This should appeal to the conservatives-the boost to the economy could probably pay for a bunch of new tanks or missiles.

Suffering

Third, as any married or divorced heterosexual will tell you, marriage is a little slice of hell right here on earth. While same sex couples have their problems, those lucky weasels can just slink away-there are no cursed rings on their fingers preventing an easy escape. Now, if same sex marriage were legalized, they would be in the same doomed boat as the rest of us. They would then have no easy escape if things go sour…only a costly and hellish legal battle over the stuff. Now, the right wingers might be worried that things might not go sour. Do not fear, my conservative brethren…as sure as milk goes bad, things will go sour. About 50% of heterosexual marriages fail…and it is pretty obvious that homosexuals have the same personality defects as everyone else. Now, you throw in social pressure, the stigma of same sex marriage, men fighting over the remote, women fighting over whatever it is they fight over and I think we can count on at least a 65% failure rate or better. It is only fair that the homosexuals get to experience the joy that only a prolonged court battle can bring to the soul.

 Conservatives should rejoice at the terrible suffering that the homosexuals will experience in divorce. And, for those tough cases that decide to hang in there and stay married…well, they will be suffering even worse. Thus, both the left and the right can agree on legalizing same sex marriage.